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Abortion in Tacloban

Abortion Tacloban Let out Letting it out

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#1 Guest_aiko_*

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Posted 09 October 2020 - 08:25 PM

I accidentally clicked “Post New Topic” so of you see the same topic as this, please disregard the other. So let me repeat what I was trying to say.

Actually, I’m not new here. I have been here before back in 2018 when I had my successful abortion. Shout out kay Miss Ella for being a legit seller whom you can trust.

I’m here again kasi I’m actually pregnant again for 7 months and I’m stressed out with everything. I just want to let everything out kasi I can’t bare it anymore and I can’t just tell my friends and family about this. Anyway, at first I wanted to keep this baby even tho he broke up with me. But right now, I just don’t want anything at all.

Let’s start on how we broke up, me and my ex-boyfriend. It happened last year. I shifted to a new course so I had new classmates and new environment. Same university tho, so it wasn’t hard for me to adjust. Then I met this girl who was really cool. It made me like and admire her immediately. Not what you think, not the love kind of like, but rather the admiring kind of like, you know? The thing is, my ex-boyfriend actually knows I’m bisexual so I’m sure he didn’t want me getting close with boys or girls. And we started arguing about a classmate of mine who is actually gay (and obv not my type) because we were getting “close”. I know it’s because of my past. But I did make an effort to cut this guy off already. Heck, I cut most of my friends off just so he can trust me. Then he started getting busy mid year because he started working, for me. I understand he’s busy pero you know that when you’re having dinner together then he just uses his phone? I end up using my own phone nalang din. It didn’t happen only once or twice but I guess it made me pretty lonely. I mean, I pretty much changed my lifestyle into a better one because of him so I might have expected for him to at least not make me feel lonely. That’s when me and this girl got more close together. Because of what happened previously of how my ex-boyfriend and I fought, I didn’t tell him about her. I lied about her. But, I never made a move on her or never did I ever tell her that she’s cool or that I admire her. I respect my ex-boyfriend like that but it made me somehow guilty because of that. And I knew then it’s wrong already. Anyway, it happened for months when I found out she likes someone else and this someone else liked her back, I wanted to help them be together. So I did. And believe me when I heard there was a chance of them being together, I was delighted. And I couldn’t wait to tell my ex-boyfriend back then. But I will have to be honest with him since I plan to have my life focused on him for the rest of my life after the finals. You know, stopping from studying and just look for a job and live with him kind of plan. But it got ruined because he found out I have been lying. He found out I have been lying about her. And I pretty much deserve it that he broke up me. It happened last year December. And the guilt, of how I broke the man I actually truly love, it was devastating and I know it was more devastating for him of how much I lied about her. I didn’t cheat, but the fact that I lied about her just broke the trust and I know that’s hard to accept especially when I know he knew about my past. The past where I just let most guys use me and I “accepted” it. I don’t know what came to his mind but he stayed. He stayed with me and he even met my family. My whole family. Until April this year happened. It was a rocky road being together at that time because I know he doesn’t trust me anymore. To be honest, it was pretty exhausting. But you see, April. He suddenly told me to let go of me already. I don’t know if it was because of the pandemic or what but it broke me big time. I nearly overdosed myself but at the same time, he saved me. But I already understood that he really doesn’t plan on getting back with me. And I know, of course, I deserve it. What hurt me the most is what he told me that we didn’t actually get back together. He was just with me. So we had really broken up last December and it just hit me that he was right. He never did tell we were back together. I was devastated but I couldn’t complain. It was all my fault after all because I lied. Not to mention, I have lied about my past too.

Then May happened and I found out I was pregnant...and he was the father. My mother found out too (since I started living with them after December). I was pregnant since March. And I couldn’t believe it. I was happy at first, kasi I thought this might be a chance for him and I to be back. Then days later I realized that it can’t be. I can’t just use my baby just like that kasi that would be stressful for my baby while growing up. So I decided to just have my baby but without the father. But he decides he wanted to be part of it, this time, I’m the one pushing him away and we kept quarreling about this matter. And every time we quarrel about this, he would always bring back the past of what I did calling me names. It was really tiring, really really. So I made a peace treaty. But he still finds way still wanting to be part of my baby. I even thought, can’t he understand that I just want my baby to be mentally happy? And stress is hard on women who are pregnant? Can’t he realize that he is stressing me out so much? Is he just bitter because I don’t want him part of my baby’s life? I know he has the right, but he was the one who wanted me to let go in the first place, why won’t he let me move on? And again, I couldn’t complain I was getting hurt because everything is my fault.

Until months came and it’s been hard for me living with my family again. It’s as if they blame me for everything either. I can’t tell my friends about this. I did tell someone but it just felt like I was bothering her so I didn’t tell her again. The guilt is just getting stronger and stronger. And now that I continued studying in school, which I never planned to study again, but because my parents think education is more important than the fact we aren’t financially stable anymore, my mother still decided for me to enroll. And I was suddenly enrolled even if I didn’t have time to think and just agreed. It felt at that moment that if I disagreed, I would be my fault again. And now I’m officially tired of everything.

With what’s happening, I can’t stop blaming. Everyday and every night pretending everything is okay but in my mind, I blame myself for everything. I blame myself why we aren’t financially stable anymore. I wanted to drop out of school, I wanted abortion kasi I know we can’t pay for that. We are already drowning in debts and loans. And me being enrolled again and having a baby is making it worse. I know the father, my ex-boyfriend, is gonna help pay the bills but it’s not enough. I wanted to help pay bills but I can’t because they aren’t giving any jobs right now especially when I’m pregnant and the pandemic going on. I just can’t stop thinking they all blame me. And the house we live in isn’t even practically a house anymore. I can’t concentrate with studying because it’s crammed and noisy, too many things. If you search “hoarder’s house”, it would be something like that. It’s hard to move around. Lately, I’ve been wanting to kill myself. I messaged school already if it’s okay to drop out and messaged my ex-boyfriend that I wanted abortion but I deleted the messages. I have no courage but I do want to drop out and get an abortion. I just don’t have the cash to get an abortion and it would be nice if they’ll allow me to drop out. It would be less expense and they won’t be worried on where to find money for the hospital bills and the fact they have to spend money on my baby while I am able to graduate and get a stable job. It’s hard, it’s really hard to not think it’s not my fault. And even my younger brothers are telling me how it’s my fault already. I just can’t help think it’s all my fault and I can’t help but want to kill myself so I can just stop them from worrying financially.

That’s practically it so far. I just want to let it out. I’m so tired and I feel like if I don’t let it out, I’ll end up really killing myself. How funny it is I want to kill myself yet I’m scared pf death. But if someone does read this whole silly story of mine, I hope you don’t give me some false positivity kind of reaction. It just makes me lose hope all the more. Makes me think maybe money really is the solution of everything.

Sorry and thank you.

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