Ana_

I am 3 months pregnant. Today I’m preparing for my 1st day of the procedure. Bought Mife kit from Ms. Ella last May 28, received the package on the 30th.

I had a consultation with my OB kahapon (June 1) and for transv ultrasound. Mahina ang kapit ni baby, I have internal bleeding so there is already a possibility na ma abort si baby, konti lang din ang amniotic fluid so ipit na ipit si baby sa loob ng tummy ko. My OB required me to undergo several lab tests asap because she fears na baka may infection ako. But hindi ko ginawa, instead nag prep ako today (June 2) for my first day of the procedure Ms. Ella sent me. Kinakabahan lang ako, sana walang complications.

I was already about 2 months pregnant when I found out. The past months I was still smoking like usual not heavy but I smoked from time to time. Second hand smoker din ako kc yung brother ko chain smoker. I’m afraid baka may effect na kay baby physically and mentally. I also travelled and walked a lot with heavy backpack. So feeling ko eto ang ibang mga reasons I have internal bleeding.

Sobrang hirap tong desisyon na to both for me and my partner. He was so ready to be a father. Yung reaction nya that day sinabi ko I’m pregnant, kinabahan sya akala nya nagbibiro ako but yung smile sa mukha nya na sobrang happy and excited. Di ko inextpect yung reaction nya, naguluhan ako, masaya na malungkot, excited na kinakabahan. That day sinabi ko sa kanya I already had the thought na hindi ko itutuloy yung pregnancy. Kaya ang kirot sa dibdib.

Lahat tayo may kanya kanyang reasons bakit natin kinailangan gawin to. Pero kahit papano nakahanap ako ng lakas at nabawasan yung pain of making the hardest decision of my life dahil sa forum na to. Yung mga stories nyo na nabasa ko. I learned to respect those women who had to go through this as I was always against abortion.

I’ve had days na naeexcite ako to have a baby. I would imagine how he/she would be like pag toddler na sya. I would also be tempted to check online ano na ichura at ginagawa nya sa loob ng tummy ko. It was a battle between me who wants to be a mother and take the responsibility (the person who doesn’t give a fuck kung anong sabihin both ng family namin ng partner ko and other people) and the other side of me the nagigising sa reality na hindi talaga pwedeng ituloy for so many complicated reasons, few of which we both are not ready financially and emotionally and for me physically also kc ngayon palang hirap na hirap nako, I’m always in pain dahil nga sa internal bleeding. Everyday I would cry a lot lalo pagnaiimagine ko gano na sya kalaki sa loob ng tummy ko. I would cry even harder after contemplating for an abortion.

Hindi naging madali para sakin to convince my partner to have an abortion because he had already decided that we will continue with the pregnancy no matter what. But I told him all the reasons why, eventually he agreed. It was a day we did nothing but cry. But somehow we had to make a decision asap kc we are running out of time. Ayokong gawin to na malaki na si baby. It was a heartbreaking decision but we came to an agreement. We just prayed and asked forgiveness kay baby and kay God. Hindi namin makakalimutan pareho tong part ng buhay namin but we’re hoping if God is willing to give a second chance na makabuo kame ng family namin in the future when we both are ready.

To everyone going through these difficult times, be strong. Don’t be afraid to make a decision for yourself and your future no matter what decision you want to take, no one has the right to judge you. But pray to God and ask for His forgiveness.