It was the month of august when I already knew that I’m pregnant because I’m a week late, una hindi ako naniniwala, I took 2 pts pero hindi ko inaantay, nakikita ko lang is yung faded line tapos tinatapon ko na because I’m scared. Nung nagtake ako ng pt sa school, I asked my partner to buy me dahil ramdam ko na talagang meron na, pinakita ko sa kanya, sinabi kong negative yan kapag may faded line, sinabi nyang Positive. Nag intay ako at positive nga. Nag clear yung line. Una pa lang, sinabi nya sakin na pananagutan nya but I refused because I’m scared, of my father, my relatives, my brother, people who look up to us. Natatakot ako at alam ko ang magiging kalalabasan kapag tinuloy ko to. I know I’ll never be able to give her a normal life, the life I planned for her. We searched through google, how to have miscarriage naturally, we tried everything, I drank gallons of pineapple juice, drank high caffeine beverages, pero wala, walang nagbabago. Until I found Ms. Ella’s website, sya una naming nakita at cinontact namin. We asked about the kits pero hindi kami nakabili agad dahil wala kaming pera, kaya nag ipon kami.
Umabot ng 5 months yung pag iipon namin dahil sa cravings ko, sa needs ko, sa gusto ko, I already feel her moving inside me. I felt happy, we have a baby. Sinabi ko sa kanya na why don’t we make her feel loved? Even if you know, he agreed. He took care of me and gave me everything baby wants. Baby likes spaghetti, likes chocolate, especially ice cream, baby likes daddy touching my tummy. I did love my baby, but I keep telling myself to stop, because we already planned everything. Last week of december, my partner bought the Cyto kit from Ms Ella, then the package came on January 3.
January 4,
I attended school dahil di pa naman. Nag grocery pa kami ng partner ko for my needs after the procedure, adult diapers and kung anu ano pa.
Naligo muna ako and Niready ko na lahat ng kailangan ko beside my bed. Water, tissue, makapal na kumot, at yung mga gamot. My partner wasn’t there with me dahil hindi ko sya pwedeng makasama ng gabi, we’re not allowed yet to sleep next to each other. I started the procedure.
First dose,
Wala pa masyadong pain, naglalaro pa ako ng cooking fever para maaliw ako at hindi mapansin ang oras.
Naramdaman yung pain, bearable pa naman at hindi pa ako naiihi or what.
Nagchichills na ako, lamig na lamig na ako at mabuti dahil makapal na kumot yung kinuha ko, ang sakit na ng puson ko na tipong di ko na alam kung anong gagawin ko just to minimize the pain. Paikot ikot na ako sa kama ko and I’ve been shifting position every minute. I keep telling myself na dalawang dose na lang, kaya ko to. My partner keeps on calling me but I told him not to because I can’t talk, at hirap na hirap na ako.
Sumakit lalo yung puson ko and I still keep on moving around, nafefeel ko na nadudumi na ako at naiihi na ako but I managed to control it. Eto yung triny kong matulog but parang sampung araw ang lumipas bago mag 10:00
Pag-ring ng alarm ko ng 10:00, I immediately insert it, sobrang sakit na.
11:40pm
Nagising ulit ako, and now, namulikat yung both ng paa ko. I stretched it but at the same time napopoop ulit ako, lumabas yung poop sa diaper ko and I stood up again and run to the bathroom, ngayon pati pag pee hindi ko nacontrol. Naluluha na ako dahil baka hindi magsucceed.
Tumayo na ako to pee and to poop, Inayos ko na rin yung kakainin ko and sit down until 2:00am. Kausap ko partner ko at sinabi nya saking nilalagnat na sya kakaalala sakin dahil cannot be reached ang phone ko. Sinabi kong tapos na and he can stop worrying. Nung nag 2:00 na, uminom na ako ng maligamgam na tubig at natulog.
Hindi naging madali pagtulog ko because I kept on waking up after 20 minutes dahil sa sakit and need to shift position, ang hirap. Gusto kong matulog pero hindi ko kaya, gustong pumikit ng mata ko pero sobrang sakit ng puson ko. Tumayo ako ng 5:00am and do jumping jacks and went out. Naupo ako sa sala at dun na ako nakatulog.
8:00am
Every time na uupo ako at lagi lagi akong nakakatulog. Hindi pa ako dinudugo pero sumasakit tyan ko, sinabi ko yun sa partner ko, but we waited. By 12:15pm, nagkaroon na ng dugo diaper ko. Nabuhayan ako na succesful ang procedure at sumasakit na ng sobra tyan ko.
Minutes passed, umalis lahat ng kasama ko sa bahay and I was left all alone, inaantay ko partner kong dumating. Sobrang sakit na ng puson ko to the point na sumisigaw na ako at umiiyak sa sakit. Di ko na kinakaya. Pabalik balik ako ng bathroom every minute to poo. Tinatawagan ko na partner ko na bilisan nya dahil sobrang sakit na, umiiyak na ako sa bathroom.
Still, 12 nun, di ko na matandaan, sobrang sakit na talaga ng tyan ko, kapag uupo ako, lalong sumasakit, di ko na mahanap yung position na konti lang yung sakit.
By 1:00, di ko na kayang tumayo ng diretso, nakatuwad na akong naglalakad sa bathroom, pabalik balik ako. And this time, nagstay ako sa bathroom, Di ko alam kung anong gagawin ko to ease the pain, di ko alam kung anong position ang dapat, iniisip ko na baka lalabas na sya, so i tried pushing, pero wala pa. So I waited and endure the pain. Tinatawagan ko partner ko to ask where is he dahil sobrang sakit na at di ko nakaya.
1:15, I know, that’s the time when I felt like I’m going to poo, but when i pushed, I felt the baby, I pushed hard and cried even harder, dahil sobrang sakit, sobra sobrang sakit. Three times ko syang inire para lumabas na sya and I saw baby. Inantay kong matapos yung pagbleed ng vag ko and stand up, nagsuot ako ng diaper and went to the bathroom again. Hindi ko kayang hawakan si baby pero tiningnan ko sya. I called my partner, I told him na baby’s out. And I cried, baby’s out. My baby is out. There’s happiness but its excruciatingly painful to see your baby already developed, dead. Tinanggal ko sya sa bowl using tabo, pero di na sya kasya sa tabo. Nilagay ko sa sa timba para maflush yung dugo and maclean ko yung place. Nawala yung sakit ng puson ko.
Nasa sac pa sya, ang kapal ng kilay nya, itim na itim, napangiti ako dahil I know, baby got that from my partner. Baby’s the most wonderful baby I’ve ever seen. Inantay ko partner ko to cut the sac and to know baby’s gender. Nakatulog ako sa sofa and when he came, he cleaned the house first and waited for my brothers to go out bago nya kunin yung timba sa kwarto ko. Sobrang drained ako, di ko magalaw ng maayos ang katawan ko. Nung binuksan nya yung timba, napatingin sya sakin and said “Ang laki na nya pala.†I nodded and look at baby. Sinabi ko sa kanya na nakuha ni Baby kilay nya dahil ang kapal. Sinasabi nya na sakin na hindi nya kaya, hindi nya kayang icut yung sac, pero ginawa nya, but the time when he cut the sac, he broke down, umiyak sya, and I did too. Humagulgol sya and I pulled him to me. I hugged him and we cried together. We didn’t intend this to happen for our first baby. For our first daughter. Umiyak sya at nung tumahan na sya, he removed the sac and we placed her sa box with a pink towel I used to wipe our tears.
She was the most beautiful baby I’ve ever seen. Sorry, my baby ashia for doing this to you. I’m sorry if mommy can’t keep you. I love you and miss you so much. So much. This is for our own good, baby. I’m sorry for everything.
Now, Konting galaw ko pagod na pagod na ako and now, hindi na ganun kalakas bleeding ko. Thank you, Ms. Ella.